World Series Preview: Game 1

Ok, I've done everything I can possibly do to try and wake myself up from this dream, and after all of these (mainly painful) methods failed, I'm finally ready to admit it: The Phillies really are in the World Series. Look, I do a lot of joking around, but let me be serious for a moment: you all need to be scared right now. I haven't checked, but this has to be one of the signs of the apocalypse. And if you don't believe me, perhaps you haven't heard that Britney Spears is on the verge of being legitimate again. Listen to your government: be ready. Have a plan in place in the event that the prophesy comes true, because I'm telling you right now, The Phillies are going to win the World Series.*

*The opinions expressed here are not based on any type of logical, intelligent thinking and may be very far from the truth.

Those pesky Rays didn't get the memo that led to last year's triumphant, yet somehow not officially recognized, league domination, and so we'll settle it the old fashioned way: with a duel to the death. What? Well, dammit, why not? It's Philadelphia, would anyone notice the difference? Fine, I guess they can play a best of 7 series instead. Here's the only stat you need to know: The Phils have never lost to the Rays in the World Series. And we're the losingest franchise ever! That's about all the hard evidence I can present for my case.

Without further ado, I'd like to present a profile of our game one starter, Cole Hamels.



May 22, 2006 was a magical day in history. No, not because that's the day the Year 2038 problem was discovered (even Y2K gets a crappy sequel). It was on this day that Cole Hamels was drafted by the Phillies. Hamels is a native of San Diego, but we won't hold that against him. Since leaving that other coast and settling down in Philly, he's become one of the most dominant pitchers in baseball and has married a former Survivor contestant and playboy model.*



*You clicked on that? Cmon now, this is a family blog.

Many of you might not realize this, but Cole and I actually have a lot in common. We were both born in the year of the pig. He struck out 36 batters in 3 games with the Scranton/Wilkes-Red Barons (RIP), but never hit a home run in the stadium. Neither did I! We were both doing the same thing in 1993, the last time the Phils were in the World Series - looking for Carmen Sandiego. Do it Rockapella! One last example: When Cole Hamels walks into a bar, he's surrounded by girls that want to throw themselves at him. When I walk into a bar, I'm also surrounded by girls that want to throw themselves at... Cole Hamels. I tell them, "First, that's not funny. What's wrong with me? Judging by that imitation Louis Vutton purse, you're not afraid to settle. And besides, Cole has no time for you. He's on a mission - no, not from God. (How many of you [all 2 of you reading this] thought I was going there?) No, no, this is much more important than that. He's on a mission from the illegitimate New Jersey bookies, and you don't want to let them down." That remark is usually followed by a deer in the headlights look, so I say "Hey, isn't that girl wearing the same shoes as you?" and that gets rid of them.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, Game 1. Look, Cole Hamels is 3-0 with a 1.23 ERA this postseason. That's better than Saint Steven in 1980. Keep the cheesesteaks and the strikeouts coming, and let's end this curse. Yes, Cubs fans, we're cursed too. You don't lose 10,000 games by luck alone. At least we're being cursed by one of the founding fathers of both our state and this great country. Good luck with that goat. And go Phillies!

My prediction: Phils in 4. Or 6. But not 5, because I'll be on a plane. We all cool with that?